


Transition Day

by LM-AC (Avid_sinner)



Series: Maybe This'll Be The Year [1]
Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Dysphoria, Enj is trans, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, I'll write something happy later, New School Feelings, OOC, Other, Social Anxiety, Teen Angst, more courfeyrac/Enjolras friendship pls and thank
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-04 06:34:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11549511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avid_sinner/pseuds/LM-AC
Summary: Enjolras didn't know why exactly he was panicking or why he was surprised that he was panicking. He knew this would happen, it always does. But, some part of him really believed that this year would be different, that he wouldn't be left having an anxiety attack in a toilet cubicle, that maybe he would finally be a normal high schooler, and stop constantly disappointing his friends, family and doctors. In hindsight; this now seems stupid.





	Transition Day

**Author's Note:**

> In which I shamelessly project my feelings and life onto a fictional character and pray that none of my irl friends who are in this fandom draw the connection :)
> 
> Very OOC but when are they ever not?

Enjolras hadn't been nervous as he got dressed this morning, he hadn't been nervous when he pulled on a beanie to hide the lack of hair after he shaved it off on a particularly bad day, and he wasn't nervous as he put his headphones on and fastened his seatbelt. He wasn't nervous as he sat in the car and got lost in the music playing too loudly in his ears, but as the vaguely familiar drop off zone came into view he felt his stomach twist. And yet, even then he wasn't as anxious as he anticipated and kept it together, even managing to feign excitement and energy for his mum as she wished him good luck and drove off. The distance to the entrance from the road seemed too close and with every step he felt the unpleasant feeling in his stomach grow stronger.

He pushed the door open and moved to the side. He awkwardly stood there confused for a minute, and felt his heart rate quicken. He didn't know where he was meant to go. A lady with long straight brown hair and brown glasses sat at the front desk and he slowly made his way over to her. He stopped about a metre from the desk and waited for what felt like minutes but was likely seconds as she didn't seem to notice him. Finally, she looked up and raised her eyebrows in question - he took this as his cue to speak. 

"I -I'm here for a transition day? My mum called Jade yesterday.." He cringed at the stuttered out words. She gave him a funny look and began typing on a computer he couldn't see behind the desk.

"The transition days were in August dear," he felt a surge of panic go through him and tried to stumble out a reply,

"uh yeah, but, I was here at the open day and Jade said because of special circumstances that I couldn't confirm a day to go on and to go on a different day and my mum called her last night and she said today?" The lady mumbled out an okay and looked at the computer hidden behind the desk. I stood there awkwardly, unsure of what to do next and wondering if that was the end of the conversation or if I was meant to be waiting on something when she spoke up again, 

"So, what special circumstances?" 

The panicked feeling came back harder as he began to speak  
"um... I've been sick for a while and homeschooled.." He felt his cheeks begin to burn and hoped they didn't look as flushed as they felt, he hated blushing in front of people.

"Sick with what?" She looked up again with a curious look on her face.  
"Um..."  
How was he meant to explain all the complexity of the past 3 years in a short sentence or two without sounding attention seeking, how could he explain how he didn't know, how none of the doctors knew, the years of varying levels, blood tests, missing school, the falling grades, becoming homeschooled, the counsellors and therapists that never worked and the medication and remedies they gave out and still didn't know what was wrong. He felt his cheeks burn even brighter as the panicked feeling intensified and he hoped she didn't notice how his eyes were welling up with tears.  
"Iron deficiency and other things.." he stumbled out hoping it was less shaky to her ears than it was to his. She made a sympathetic noise and returned back to the hidden computer. He rapidly tried to blink back the tears as his cheeks cooled down. He thought back to all his planning he had done back in July and tried to recall what count he was meant to breathe on as he rocked back and fourth on the balls of his feet watching more students come in through the entrance. Eventually, a student in an olive green t shirt came up to the front desk and Enjolras stepped to the side to allow him to get passed. Instead, the student stopped right next to him. The lady at the desk stood up and grabbed a plain white sticker with the school logo on it that was hidden with the computer and a pen, pushing them towards Enjolras.  
"We only had a few stickers left after the transition days, just write your name on one," Enjolras nodded picking up the pen and began to write before stopping, he didn't know if he should write his birth name or not, not that he ever went by it, but legally it was still his name. The student was still stood next to him and watching and Enjolras once again felt his cheeks heat up and the pen became slippery in his hand. "E" he wrote before hesitating over what to write next Emily or Enj, lucky for him, he didn't have to decide as the lady took the pen back, he hoped it wasn't too sweaty. The lady picked the sticker up and put it on his red jacket.  
"Harry here will be your student guide for the day," She smiled at them both once last time before nodding and sitting back down. Enjolras turned to presumably, Harry, and tried to give a smile, becoming aware of just how dry his mouth was.

"Nice to meet you," Harry said sticking out his right hand to shake.  
"You too," Enjolras replied wiping the sweat off his hand and trying to give a firm shake, he remembered reading something about handshakes and first impressions.  
"Is this your first time here or have you been on a tour before?" Enjolras tried to return as much eye contact as he could without his cheeks becoming painfully hot.  
"I've been to two open nights, actually," recalling how wowed he had been and just how badly he wanted to go here. Your almost there, he reminded himself, just get through this day. 

"Well, first thing today we have our study session, it's kind of like home group which you might have had at your old school?" He began walking and headed up some stairs and Enjolras followed as fast as he could.  
"Oh, I was actually homeschooled until now," Harry gave a surprised look.  
"This must be very overwhelming for you," he said, Enjolras forced out a laugh  
"A little bit," Harry gave a sympathetic nod.  
"I have every confidence in you," He felt his cheeks heat up again and looked to the ground following Harry up the rest of the stairs and into the classroom. 

The first break of the day saw Enjolras feeling almost okay, Harry was talkative and didn't mind filling the silences or Enjolras' lack of responses. He learnt that Harry wanted to be an aerospace engineer and took an aviation course at the local university, he learnt that Harry's family had emigrated from the USA and how Harry had been 3 at the time. Study session was mostly quiet with students working on projects or studying on their laptops. The teachers of the group, two short and bubbly women introduced themselves and expressed their hope for him to be in their group when he attends. The next class was Chemistry and Biology where one teacher gave some of the students a presentation about medications and how they react in the body. Enjolras knew some of the meds as ones he was on and had been on in the past, surprisingly he was quite fascinated as he never had thought about what exactly they were doing just that they usually weren't working. The other teacher, a young women in her late 20s was available to answer students questions but most of them just worked on their own final presentations. Harry even showed Enjolras his project which was on gene editing and CRISPR. Overall, he hadn't had to talk to too many more people, or be called upon and he was trying to feel hopeful - He chose Tuesday for a reason, it ended at 1P.M instead of 3P.M, he could get through 2 more hours of this. 

It started to go wrong less than 20 minutes later. Harry had gone with one of the teachers about something that had gone wrong with one of the flight simulation computers, leaving Enjolras alone. Harry suggested to meet in Area 7&8 in 30mins to an hour, and Enjolras had hesitantly agreed not really knowing which room that was. 

He walked through each room focusing on the numbers written on each door, he remembered he had packed a map of the school in his backpack before leaving but didn't want to get it out for fear of people noticing his struggle. In the end he doesn't know what really caused it, maybe it was being surrounded by so many people after 3 years of minimal social interaction, maybe it was all the eyes that would turn to look at him every time he walked into a room or the fear that he was in the wrong place every time he went into an empty room - but gradually the panicked feeling grew stronger until he couldn't ignore it. All he knew was that he wanted to get away. He vaguely remembered the toilets being downstairs near the entrance and went down as fast as he could without drawing attention to himself. His cheeks were burning and he could feel his eyes welling up, he rubbed his hands on his jacket trying to stop them from sweating and keep his breathing as calm as usual. 

As soon as he got into the cubicle he locked the door collapsing onto the toilet seat and putting his face in his hands. Enjolras didn't know why exactly he was panicking or why he was surprised that he was panicking. He knew this would happen, it always does. But, some part of him really believed that this year would be different, that he wouldn't be left having an anxiety attack in a toilet cubicle, that maybe he would finally be a normal high schooler, and stop constantly disappointing his friends, family and doctors. In hindsight; this now seems stupid. He pressed his face into his hands and his cold palms felt nice against his cheeks. He could feel his heart beating too hard in his chest and he scrambled through his backpack until he found a red notebook. Flicking it open he stopped on the second page. The phone numbers of his parents and best friend, Courfeyrac were written across the page. He considered calling his mum and asking her to come pick him up, or calling Courf to help him calm down, but didn't they deserve a break? Why did he do this every time? it's just 2 hours. Courf has his own problems to deal with and is probably just as stressed if not more right now, and doesn't mum deserve to have a day of quiet where she doesn't have to deal with her son, and his schooling, his appointments and his treatments - throwing away the money and her energy with nothing to show for it? 

No, he decided. He wouldn't call them. He frantically flipped through the pages again until he reached the one he was looking for, inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7, exhale for 8, inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7, exhale for 8. He tried to calm his breathing as much as he could but it was still too fast, too hard, too rigid, and his face was still burning. He went back into his bag until he found his drink bottle filled with ice and cold water and pressed it to his cheeks trying to focus on the cold. Even as his cheeks started to cool down, he still felt tears finally drop from his eyes and the floodgates opened. He leant forward practically folding himself in half on the seat with his hands crossed over his mouth as he tried to keep as quiet as possible. Sobs racked his body hitting him in rigid, violent jerks that were painful against his too tight sports bra/make shift binder that he already knew was going to bruise. He stopped when he heard the door open and stayed as quiet as possible until whoever was in the bathroom left. He leant back against the seat with tears silently streaking down his face now, and picked up his notebook. 

"Find 5 things you can see," One, Enjolras thought to himself, the cubicle door, Two, his red and black backpack, Three, the opaque window behind him, Four, his red and blue converse, Five, the toilet he's sitting on. He tried the breathing to more success this time. "4 things you can touch," One, the cold drink bottle, Two, the walls on either side of him, Three, the tile floor, Four, the door in front of him. His heart rate began to slow down. "3 things you can hear," One, muffled voices outside the door, Two, one of the taps is leaking, Three, the fan spinning above his head. He took a drink of water and pressed the bottle against his cheeks again. "2 things you can smell" One, the disinfectant used by the cleaner, Two, his cologne. "1 thing you can taste" One, the apple he ate with Harry. Enjolras sat in the cubicle as his breathing slowed down, bouncing his legs to get some more feeling back into them. He stood up and used the walls for support putting his drink bottle and notebook back in his bag swinging it over his shoulder. 

He put his hand on the handle, took a deep breath in, and opened the door walking out into the empty bathroom. He walked up to the sink and used it for support, his legs were still shaky and his heart and breathing hadn't fully settled. He splashed some water on his face and fixed his glasses until he looked as normal and not like he had just been crying as he could muster after just being crying. He checked his phone and was shocked to see an hour had passed, he walked as slowly as he could looking for Area 7&8, dreading seeing anyone and physically exhausted. It's just one hour, he says to himself. You just got lost, you can make it one more hour. And he pushes the door marked Area 7&8 open.

**Author's Note:**

> Very hesitant in posting this - I sure hope no one I know reads this and draws the connection or confronts me about it 
> 
> I wish I could say that I'll post something happy to make up for it but like all I've been writing is angst recently but hey angst is the most popular so


End file.
